I have lived the last few years of my life afraid of the time I must begin to let go. I have held on with every ounce of strength I had. Unable or unwilling to face the day that it became clear; the time is now, and the point of no return has up and passed me by.
Honestly, I fear the girl I will meet in this next life. The person who will clothe me in my new beginnings. The one who will comfort me in my new life. What does she know about me? Granted, we spent thirty-some very wonderful years with each other, but all things considered, we are strangers now.
That girl of yesteryear knows nothing of the pain I have endured and continue to endure almost every moment I wake and breathe. She was a child of fortune. Death, misfortune, discomfort, disappointment, and heartbreak belonged to someone else. Those demons did not come knocking at her doorstep.
And now, those same demons need not knock at my door, because that door was broken down a long time ago. That door became a moot point around the time things started going south. The pain and the bad news seeped through the windows and created a mile-high barrier between this world and that which remained.
But, I hope that girl that lurks beyond the disaster can still be a remnant of the person she once was. Loving, caring, anxious, and afraid (you've got to take the good with the bad). I hope that in this scope and sequence of life I do not lose myself too much. Because, to me, that would be the ultimate tragedy. To in one fell swoop cut off the head that rested assuredly upon my shoulders for many years. To leave her gasping for air and searching for a piece of familiar to cling to.
I do not want to let go of her. I would love to introduce her to my new self. The person of before and the person of now. Maybe once we can do that we can begin to let go of who we think we should be and start becoming who we are meant to be. And, perhaps, we can, together, meet the person of tomorrow, head-on; to welcome her into this life we are blessed to call, "ours."