Thursday, November 19, 2015

The Journey to Her

She came to me in a dream, that world where the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred, and your deepest longings are right at your fingertips, and you truly believe that miracles can happen. I longed for her; she was one of my deepest desires, but in my waking world, I didn't think she would ever belong to me.

I have always wanted three children. I came from three, Doug came from three, and three just seemed to fit perfectly. But once fragile X showed its face, I tried to resolve myself to the fact that perhaps three did not belong to me.  And the realization of that broke my heart; not once, but a million times over.

In the past three years, some little part of me still lived in that dream world, and I prayed. A lot. I prayed that God would help her find us, however that may be. That was my prayer, as simple as that, "God, please help our little girl find us." I had no idea how it would look, but somewhere inside me I knew she would find us somehow. However, I never imagined it would be this way.

Last spring, almost out of nowhere, my heart was ready and together, Doug and I made that giant leap into the world of pursuing IVF. We'd tossed around the idea three years ago, less than a year post FX diagnosis, but we just weren't ready. But, last spring I was, and I believe that was God at work answering my prayers in a way I didn't think I'd even consider. Funny how that works.

No one tells you about the emotional toll fertility treatments can take on you. The constant worry coupled with cautious optimism is not for the faint of heart.

Last summer, as everything started falling into place, of course, so did the God Winks. Incredible, amazing, surreal reminders that we were not alone and if we ever slipped and thought we were, we were reminded very quickly that we were not.

The day we found out how many of our little babies made it was the third anniversary of my dad's passing. Three years before, my heart was breaking as I said goodbye, and now, the tears were flowing at the very real possibility of being able to say hello again.

A few weeks later, on the day we found out the date we were going to transfer our little girl, my monarch caterpillars showed up. The first ones I'd ever had at my house. Another thing I'd longed for since my dad had passed. Nothing more in nature reminds me of my dad than the monarch. I was over the moon and God's been winking at me long enough for me to realize this was not a coincidence.

One of my winks from God.

As the weeks passed, I not so patiently waited for the blood work that would confirm what I'd already suspected; the procedure had worked and I was pregnant.

During that time, I'd enjoyed watching my caterpillars grow and on the day the first one made its chrysalis, I jokingly said to Doug, "Watch, it'll eclose the day we find out if she stuck."

The morning of the blood draw, I woke up and checked on my babies and I was astonished at what I saw. Two black chrysalides. I knew what that meant; they were going to eclose that day...the very day I'd kiddingly predicted them to. I was awash with emotion. I bawled. I talked to God and my dad. I thanked them for being with me. I hugged Doug and I sobbed. The beauty of it all was overwhelming. I think part of what struck me as being so amazing is that based on what I know about how long it takes for a butterfly to form, there was really no explanation as to why they were eclosing that day. Quite simply, they hadn't been in their chrysalises long enough.

That night, as I drove home, God winked again. The entire drive, I was fortunate to see the most beautiful double rainbow. All I could think of was that God puts rainbows at the end of every storm. The peace I felt was indescribable.

The next day, I let my God Wink go. I set her free on four wings and a prayer. What was truly incredible was the fact that she stayed with me for at least ten minutes, which, from my experience is unusual. She just sat there with me and I enjoyed every single moment with that beautiful, heaven sent, amazing, miraculous little girl.

And now, I wait for our angel; and very few moments go by without me deeply understanding how incredibly blessed we are.

And, that, is my journey to her...