Today I pondered an interesting paradigm. What if I were given the choice of which one of my lives I would like to live? All things being equal, up until the point, two and a half years ago when everything changed. Which life would I choose? Which one would I claim as my own? Which path would I follow?
Would I choose the girl who knew a minimum amount of pain? Who lived her life in a bubble she thought nothing bad could penetrate? Not that she didn't worry, she just believed that things like: cancer, genetic mutations, tumors, and heartbreak didn't belong to her. They didn't fit into the mold she had fitted for her life.
Would I choose the girl who shied away from others' pain? Too afraid she'd say the wrong thing and make things worse. Or more terrible yet, say nothing at all. The girl who was too naive to understand her actions then would impact her life for all time, with regret and sorrow inching its way into her soul.
Or, would I choose the girl who suffers? The girl who understands what heartache truly means. The girl who fights the injustices in her life; trying to understand them, to live with them, to cope, and to ultimately try to make a difference.
Would I choose the girl who has become closer to God despite of her hardships? Would I choose the girl whom understands what it's like to lose big? But, despite her losses, sees more sunshine than she saw in the thirty-three years before.
Would I choose the girl who comprehends what love really is? Because, so many times, love is not pretty. It's not wrapped up in a perfect little box with impeccable paper you're too afraid to rip. Could I understand the girl who innately knows that the wrapping paper of your life is meant to be torn, edgy, and impossible to tape up, because, perhaps, that is what makes you a better person?
Could I know, deep down, that sometimes bad things do happen to good people? And, that, perhaps, the concepts of bad and good have nothing to do with your path in life? That this journey we are on is ultimately meant to teach us the things we really need to learn. We have the choice to be bitter about what happens to us, or to embrace them, full-on with wide-open arms and a heart full of love, determination, and hope.
So, which one would I pick? I miss the former, but in honesty, I believe I would choose the latter. She is the one I need to know. The one I need to be. She lives the life I need to follow. For better or worse, we are in this together, neither of us walk this path alone.