A New Pair of Jeans

I remember being a kid and getting my first pair of jeans. They were glorious. Sleek denim that fit like a glove, which I preceded to wear out within a week. I don't think you could pry them off of me if you tried. Then, they just became too worn out to even resist a washing. The second pair I remember had straps at the bottom, perhaps meant to hold me in--I'm not quite sure. Then came the designer brand, the labels, the status that only a pair of denim could bring. The first time I remember hearing about genes was in my sophomore biology class. The whole, "Punnet Square" theory, I have to admit, it was all very intriguing to a teenager without a care in the world; well, besides her jeans. Then all of a sudden you become a parent, and your jeans suddenly have elastic, and "Guess" takes on an entire new meaning. Guess the gender. Guess if they have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Guess what their name should be. Guess if their genes fit. And sometimes they fit like that glorious first pair and sometimes they just don't seem to fit at all, but the more you wear them, the better they mold to you, and you to them, and in a moment they become your favorite pair, straps and all to keep you grounded, patches to fix the holes, scribbles to mark your way, the anniversaries; because anyone who has been devastated knows what I am talking about. We are a little worn around the edges, but I guess I wouldn't change it for the world, because, sometimes, your world is like a well-worn pair of genes.

Weights

Today I cut loose the weights that will surely drown me if I don't. Today I let go of anger. Today I let go of fear. Today I let go of hopelessness. Today I let go of pain. Today I sever the ties that bind me to the trenches of the deep with the swiftness, determination, and precision of a sickle in a skilled reaper's hand. Today I slowly rise to the surface. Today I embrace the great unexpected. Tomorrow I will do it all again.

Come

Come, they whisper.
It will be okay.
Do not be afraid,
We are here. 
Take our hands-
We hold your heart.
Come, they say.
This is a new adventure,
Not everyone has the chance
To see what you will see.
Come, they urge.
It's safe--
The water's nice out here.
Come, they promise.
You're safe with us.
We understand.
Please, come.
And, I go. 

Through the Forest, I Run

Through the dense forest I run.  I trample through the underbrush as sunlight rains through the canopy.  I run swiftly.  My clothes are tattered and I am scarred by the thorns as they pass by my face.  I scream; a guttural, ethereal scream that resonates from the deepest part of my being.  It dares not make a sound, for this anguish is unparalleled.  I fall, exhausted, mercifully at the water’s edge and I weep--knowing my tears fill an ocean of grief.   Finally, I have the strength to open my eyes.  As I gaze at the reflection before me, I notice that I am not alone, He is there.  He has always been there.  Gently, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I am raised to my feet, ready to walk a new direction, guided by the hand of God. 

The Club

I always thought to be a part of a club, you had to be invited, and more importantly, accept the invitation. It turns out, I've been carrying around my membership card since the day I was conceived; unwittingly walking around with "secret club" status invisibly stamped on my forehead. My membership card has been in the works for decades--possibly even a century. It's not my invitees fault, not one of us had any inkling our fates would be so intertwined; perhaps the founding member and I have never even met. But, alas, here I am, in full club regalia. Sporting my invisible-to-the-naked-eye status tattooed on my heart. And, just as those who invited me into the club, I have invited someone, too. Did I mention I wish I would have gotten the invitation? I guess some RSVPs get lost in the mail.

May 23, 2012

Left Behind

I feel like I've been left behind.  Standing at the train station, baggage in hand, waiting to board that fabled Midnight Train to anywhere, to continue my journey as best I can. 

But, when the conductor reaches me, he refuses my ticket, and my pleas fall on deaf ears.  There I am, train whistle ringing in my ears, gusts of wind from the wheels taking hold and tousling my hair. 

I watch the smoke fall in tendrils behind the caboose as I stand, bewildered, on the platform, bidding goodbye to everything I know.  Once the shock is gone, I pivot, and begin to make a future here, in the vast unknown. Then Jealousy rears her ugly head, and I struggle to make my home on solid ground.

She is relentless.  Constantly reminding me of what I don't have.  And I find the only way to silence her is to dig deeper, work harder, love more, laugh candidly, and appreciate what I do have. 

Then, one day, I hear that deep whistle blow, and I know that train is coming.  As I approach the platform, I know what I must do, what I need to do, what I want to do. 

I stand tall, smile, and wave...genuinely happy for everyone I know on that train I can never board. 

In doing so, I realize we all have different paths to follow, and now I am free.

Parachutes

How appropriate that in my last post I had mentioned parachutes.  Tonight, my parachutes in Phoenix were there to lift me up; maybe I should refer to them here-on-out as hot air balloons. 

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a surprise party.  I used to beg for them, which I know defeats the purpose, but hey, who can blame a girl for trying.  For whatever reason, on the few occassions I was blessed to have a surprise party, I somehow managed to foil the plans.  Shame on me.  Even as a child I tended to be very aware of what was unwrapping around me.  I was a keen listener and an even better detective.

As an adult, I would plan my own "surprise" birthday parties.  I would make the food (with the help of my family), buy the drinks, and invite everyone I knew.  I always made sure to preface the invitation with, "Shhh.  Don't tell me, it's a surprise." and then proceed to give the details of the celebration. 

Tonight, Sherlock Holmes was put in her place.  Little did I know that an innocent acception to a dinner party of three would turn into a menu-hiding-the-smirk-over-your-face type of night.  I think at one point I actually turned around to make sure there wasn't someone behind me. 

Once I finally had my wits about me, I looked around, and down, and squinted to see everyone who was there.  Little by little, as the surprise revealed itself to me, I could feel my heart welling with love.  They. Are. All. Here. For. Me.  In the middle of summer break and a month before my birthday to boot. 

Looking back, how could I have ever questioned the depth of love that God has for me?  I have been humbled once again.  He shows Himself to me everyday.  He is in the smiling faces of my children, the unflinching loyalty of my husband, and the love and devotion of my family and friends. 

I know it may seem silly to some, but I am beyond blessed.  There are no words, just that I love you all "too much". 

Peace

It's amazing what a little distance from a broken heart can do for you. I could not imagine feeling the peace I feel now a year ago and for that matter a few short months ago, but somewhere along this journey I found it, and after the struggles we have had, I know I deserve it. When your life changes on a dime, you cannot fathom ever smiling, laughing, or being normal again. Eventually, you realize you are standing on a precipice and you have two choices. You can stay on that cliff, cling to the familiarity of wallowing in sadness, let the wind continue to rip your soul to pieces, or you can have a little faith and jump; trying to free yourself from what's become your new world and begin to live again. I chose to jump; eyes wide-open and terrified. This new world was unlike anything I'd ever known. What I realized during my freefall was that the grass really is greener on the other side and I wasn't falling alone. I was enveloped in a parachute of love that would never leave me crashing to the ground. I was placed gently, carefully, and peacefully in a meadow with new life  and new beginnings all around me. I finally understood. It was my job to tend my flock and leave that misery behind.  Thankfully, I have not had to do it alone.

June 26, 2012

Genes

That smile-
So wide and true.
I get lost.
That hair-
That sweet, honey-kissed hair.
That laugh-
Loud and pure.
Those eyes-
Brilliant blue.
Those quirks-
Uniquely his.
That boy-
Special as can be.
His genes just fit.

May 18, 2012

Robbed

Robbed.
By a theif in the night.
The silent stalker
Has followed me my entire life.
Always in the shadows,
But never a cause to look over my shoulder.
Stealth.
Deadly.
The changer of dreams.
Come to steal the truth
I thought I owned.
The Grim Reaper of Souls.
Catch me if you can.

May 4, 2012

X Marks My Heart

I am a captain in search of buried treasures. I am on a journey to unlock a gem I haven't found the key for--not yet, but I will. And when I find the treasures I seek, I will not be rewarded with diamonds and gold. The treasures I desire rest behind dancing eyes that are crisp and blue, beneath a mop of unruly white-blonde hair. The riches I want are untangible and simple. You cannot put a price tag on love. X marks my heart.

June 22, 2012

Storms

I was awoken one night--
From a peaceful dream.
I was floating down the lazy river
Of denial.
I heard the warnings.
I heeded their call.
But,
I chose to stand firm.
Steadfast in my belief
That the storm would pass me by.
I boarded up my windows.
I buckled down.
Prepared for the worst
But, expecting the best.
And then, the news came.
We were stuck
In the eye
Of the storm.
But, the eye of MY storm
Was the most brilliant shade of blue.
Painted straight from the Heavens.
My light in the dark.
My gold at the end of this rainbow.
The calm after the storm.
My son.

May 10, 2012

Then You Must Believe

If you cry out to God at your most vulnerable, then you must believe. If you seek Him during your times of trial, then you must believe. If you hear Him whisper His song in the breeze, then you must believe. If you feel His clarity in times of confusion, then you must believe. If you ever stop to gaze and marvel at His handiwork, then you must believe. If you believe all of this, then you know, deep in your heart, that He makes no mistakes, and knowing this makes life amazing. It frees you, and opens your heart to an entire world of possibilities you never knew existed.

April 6, 2012

Anchors

In the storms of life and the heartbreak of sorrow, you can always ask for help. And once you throw out that lifeline, God will anchor you. He anchors you in faith. He anchors you in hope. He anchors you in friendship. He anchors you in peace. He anchors you in love. Those anchors are strong, unyielding, and forever; through the darkness and the pain, there is always tomorrow, there is always a sunrise, there will always be a new beginning. 

March 31, 2012

Packages

The greatest and most beautiful gifts in life often times arrive in the most unusual of packages: The butterfly from the chrysalis, a rainbow from the storm, the flower from a seed. Each is unique and perfect in its own way; all are a result of a change, a struggle, a hardship; every one experienced differently. In the beginning of each struggle, it is hard to imagine something precious emerging from the chaos, but without the struggle, the fight, the unrelenting desire to survive, none would be as wonderful and as perfect as it is in the end…and that is why they fight. 

March 27, 2012

The Crossroads

Sometimes you come to a crossroads in life without even realizing there was a fork in the road. And at that moment, when you are at your darkest, there becomes a choice you have to make. And sometimes, you fall to pieces. And the very fiber and soul of who you think you are is left scattered, torn apart, and wickedly sorrowful. And you think that there is no repairing the anguish you feel; because in truth, it is a hole that is unfixable, a circle with no beginning or end, it is gaping and it is wide. And then, little by heart wrenchingly little, the fibers that make you who you are begin to weave themselves back together. And hour by hour and day by day they stitch to pieces the parts that were once you—only stronger. Unbreakable. Because, that is what you must do. This is your lot in life. And in this life, there are so many who are counting on you, so many who love you, and who ultimately make you understand that there is much more to life than what you only first can grasp--from those depths only few of us live. So, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, tie the knot that has woven us whole again-strong, secure, and look around to see the beauty that is the blessing from God only a few of us are fortunate enough to witness. And, maybe, that’s why we were chosen. 

March 26, 2012

The Aftermath

I am the wife of a pretty wonderful husband and the mommy of two sweet little boys.  I am also a teacher, who for most of what I can remember of my life, has been anxious about one thing or another.  As one can imagine, my anxiety kicked into high gear once my first son was born. Being a teacher didn't help much, either.  I was hyper-aware of all developmental milestones.  I worried incessently about EVERYTHING.  I was out of control and irrational.  Then, I got a grip, realized everything was going to be okay, and mellowed out.  When my second son was born, I had a firm grasp on mommyhood and hardly worried at all; until the warning signs started showing up.  My family searched for months for an answer to questions we had.  Finally, on March 26, 2012, we knew the truth; our youngest son was diagnosed with fragile x syndrome.  The news sent our world into a tailspin and rearranged everything we thought we knew about life, our son, our family, and ourselves.  The following meanderings are the aftermath of learning to live and love in my new life.