Strength

Sometimes people call me strong, and I don't always agree with that.
I don't perceive myself as strong.
In fact, I see myself as a weak person
Who was thrust into situations I didn't want.

To me, strength means being ready for hardships and being capable of dealing with them.
I am neither.
I fall down. Sometimes I stay down for days, weeks, months at a time.
To rise back up to normal takes an inane amount of will.
It's very difficult.
But, I do it.
I still do it.
And, it feels right.

I sometimes wish life were easier.
I wish I didn't have to fall and dig my way out of my dad's passing.
My son's disability.
My daughter's death.
And every unspoken loss we've faced.

It's taxing and it will take a toll on you.
I believe I am a much better person now.
More understanding.
More compassionate.
More loving,
But it's come at a cost.
And, for better or worse, I will never be the same person I was 4 years ago.
It's just not possible.

I just hope in being different, I'm better.
I don't think that's too much to ask.