The Pain of LIfe

I hate the bruises,
But I look at them.
I own them.
They are mine.

I watched the nurse
Take my blood.
I told her where it was best
To drain me of a little life.
I was trying to be helpful
Because I don't bleed easily.

I sat there
And answered the mundane questions of:
Why are you here?
My baby died.
Do you feel safe?
I suppose, but life scares the hell out of me.
Do you drink?
Well, I didn't. I was pregnant, but I might start now.
How many children do you have?
Three.

Three. Two sons and a daughter.
She had a name.
A beautiful, perfect name.
But, she's gone now.
Please give me something for the pain.
Can I have my husband now?
I need him. Desperately.

And then it was over.
The life drained from me.
And I don't even recall the pain.
Thank God.

And now, I  watch my children study my bruises,
And wonder why Mommy is hurting
But I can't explain why the physical
Will never hurt as much as the mental.  
So, I hold them close.
And at night, when the softness of dreams is the only sound,
I touch them.
Ever so gently
And I am so thankful I have my precious children here on earth
To heal my broken heart.

As She Mourned Herself to Sleep

As she mourned herself to sleep,
She allowed the memories, the hopes, the dreams, the promises, the defeat, the heartache, the death,
To tumble out of her eyes.
And create the ocean-
On which she rocked herself to sleep.
Comforted only by herself-
As even those close to her,
Could not enter this space.
This place of grief
Was hers alone.
Not to be shared with others, like she tries to do
During the hours the sun tries to blind her-
Because she's not quite ready for the brilliance and the hope that star represents.
Not just yet.
The darkness inside is just too deep.
And to let the light shine in too soon,
May ruin everything.
There are times you need to live in the depths of the hell that was thrust upon you-
To eventually rejoice in the heavens you know are waiting...
Someday.
Sadly, there's no timeline for grief.
For healing.
And she's been here enough.
Not this exact space-
Because this darkness belongs only to a mother who has lost her child-
To know that time is what she needs,
But time is what she dreads.
This territory is unfamiliar.
And scary.
And unfair-
To any who've suffered it
Her heart not only breaks for herself,
But for those she loves and for those she does not know.
The weight feels like it's crushing her from within,
And chokes her with grief.
It is horrible, and for now,
There's no escaping it.
Rest softly, sweet girl.
Let the angels of dreams take care of you for now-
Tomorrow will be upon you soon enough,
And I pray that you will grieve for one minute less than you did today.

How Could I Have Thought?

Aren't I arrogant enough to believe it couldn't happen to me.
Again.
Wasn't I foolish enough to think I could escape this heartbreak.
Again.
How could I believe I was immune to this hurt.
This devastation.
This death.
Again.

We played our cards,
And fate interceded.
We lost.
Our hearts broke.
How do we recover.
Again.

Again. Again. AGAIN!

I am tired. I am hurt. I am shocked.

But, I am also more compassionate.
More understanding.
More than I was earlier this day.

My angel is spending her Christmas in heaven,
Wrapped in my daddy's loving arms.
I will meet her-
Someday.

But now, I miss her tremendously.
The vision of her.
The thought of her.
The longing for her.

Sometimes, life is just too hard.
I miss her already...