My Father

I feel my father,
In every breath I take.
I feel my father,
Don't make the mistake.

I feel my father,
He lives in the great beyond.
I feel my father,
He is the chorus to my song.

I feel my father,
Here, but there.
I feel my father,
Everywhere.

I feel my father,
He comforts me.
I feel my father,
Peaceful, let it be.

I feel my father,
Time passes on.
I feel my father,
We sing along.

I feel my father,
Never apart.
I feel my father,
In my heart. 

Almost Last Year

Almost a year ago, I wrote about a girl dipping her bonnet and bidding goodbye to summer, faced with the death of fall.  When I wrote this, I had no idea that girl was me. 

The past twelve months, that hat of mine has morphed a thousand times.  It has changed with the seasons, but it's also changed with the holidays, the simplicity of days; minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  It sounds so rehearsed-until it's you and your life. Suddenly, the clichés are true. 

But, what I didn't understand was the way those I love would impress upon me that they were okay.   Before my dad's passing, my dreams consisted of strange images, unreal circumstances, and folk-lore.  Now, they consist of truth, absoluteness, and reality.

When I'm lucky, my dreams are ones of: sitting at a table with him, driving shotgun in a tractor, looking at sunsets, calling him on the phone, and hugging him. They are intensely real. For those who doubt this, I would recommend opening up your heart, your soul, and welcoming the messages of healing and love. 

I am an ordinary girl with an extraordinary father.  A girl who lost her hat of fatherhood too soon.  I am just a girl who grieves; who misses her daddy terribly, but one who finds meaning in the signs he sends.  Just a girl who loves more deeply than she ever could have before, and a girl who is thankful for this.    

So, I say to the girl who tipped her bonnet and bid farewell; that was not the end.  It may have been the "end" of our relationship on earth, but it's not then end of us.  We carry on...him there, and us here. 

Someday, our paths will meet again, and I envision my father picking up the bonnet of pain, tossing it aside, and choosing our own hat, tipping it deeply, smiling, holding hands, and waiting for the next link of our chain to make us whole. 

Love Deeply

I have a plaque in my hallway that says, "Love Deeply".  When I bought it, I thought it was a nice decoration.  And, then, life happened. 

It had crossed my mind to get rid of it before Trek's diagnosis and before my dad's, too.  Then, I thought about what it means. 

To "love deeply" means that you are there for those you love without hesitation.  It means that you're there during Fragile X and cancer. 

To "love deeply" means that you don't back down.  It means that you love harder.  You love stronger.  You love no matter what the outcome is.  Because that's what you would want from them.

To "love deeply" means that you stick it out.  It means that you're scared beyond any kind of scared you've ever been. 

To "love deeply" means that you have to be willing to let go.  To let go of a child who hasn't passed and to let go a father that is. 

To "love deeply" will smash your heart.  It will test your soul.  But, to "love deeply" will give you the strength to give it to God.  To let it go. To trust.  To hope.

To know and to understand that it will be okay to "love deeply".

Tonight

Tonight, I came home.
I loaded up my children,
I packed their bags,
And, I listened to my son say,
He was going home to, "Grandma's house."

I heard him say, "Poppy,"
And then remember that Poppy wasn't here.
His innocent five-year-old reasoning,
Broke my heart.

I came home tonight.
I was a passenger in a car,
That has driven a road
A thousand times.
But, tonight, it was different.

Tonight, I came home,
To an empty house.
I unpacked my own bags,
And I hugged my own sons;
Just the same as I have since August 6th.

I came home tonight,
To the same fields my father worked.
And, I went and grabbed the earth;
I felt it sift through my fingers.

Tonight, I came home,
To the same home that was filled
With one more soul
Just a year ago.

Today, I came home;
Different, yet the same.
Weaker, yet stronger,
One man less, but one
Daughter more.

Tonight, I came home.
I wonder what tomorrow brings.
I am sure it will be a beautiful experience,
Always remembering what could have been.

Today, I am home.